"In Front Of My Doctor? Really?"

The other day, I had to make a doctors appointment because I have a swollen lymph node in my neck. I prayed, and tried every home remedy you could think of first, because I had rather be beaten than go to the doctor. I have post traumatic stress from a childhood injury which led to the "White Coat Syndrome" that I now have as an adult.

At any rate, I called and made myself an appointment while I was at work. I didn't want to go, but since I knew that I had to go, I made a great decision... I decided that I would drive home first and pick my husband up so that I wouldn't be alone if they diagnosed me with something devastating. What in the name of the good Lord was I thinking?

My first clue that taking him with me might not be the brightest idea I've ever had, came in the form of a statement he made on the way there. He looked at me, very seriously, and said "Did you know that if something happens to you before it does me my pension amount will go up?" What? Really??

We arrived on time and everything was going fine in the waiting room, but when they called my name to come back, it was like someone whispered in his ear "it's showtime."

He began by giving the nurse too much information about himself and the overall conversation that he had with her resulted in my usually low blood pressure reading 155/99.

I politely ask that he refrain from talking for a few minutes and my blood pressure was brought under control by a combination of my deep breathing, and my ability to go somewhere else in my mind.

The problem was, just as soon as we were left alone in the exam room it was evidently time for Act II.

He sat on the stool the doctor uses, which of course was on wheels and began to use his body weight and arms to roll all over the room without his feet touching the floor. He did this pausing only long enough to snatch the instrument they use to examine your ears off the wall, where it was hanging, to take it along for the ride.

After almost falling from the stool backwards, and cracking his head open in the process, you would think that he would have needed an intermission, but oh no..this caused laughter which brought him to tears....

Enter the doctor stage left......The doctor began by asking me all of the routine questions that I expected. I was answering them, and praying for silence from the peanut gallery, when I was asked the one question that my husband couldn't seem to let go by without answering for me.

The doctor said Do you have multiple sex partners Mrs. Foster? To which I immediately replied no, and then the peanut gallery chimed in. He said, very seriously, excuse me doctor, but she does go missing on the weekends.

I wanted the floor to just swallow me up, then and there. When it became apparent that this wasn't going to happen, I just repeated my answer and said no I do not have multiple partners. Thankfully, the doctor moved on..The doctor then said So he is your only partner?

As you can imagine there was a hard pause...Lord, at that point my husband was acting so unbelievable that I wanted to say no...I lied..there is someone else, and I do go missing on the weekends....I didn't of course, but I do believe the doctor would have understood.

You would think that all of that would have been quite enough, but no it wasn't...
The King of comedy just kept it coming...

The doctor began to explain to me what he thought was wrong. He said, Mrs. Foster I'm not sure, but this could be from a cold you have had recently, or it could just be an infection in your lymph node....

Well that did it. Just as soon as the doctor had spoken the word infection I heard my husband say "Infection?" I kiss her. There was dead silence in the room...The next comment he made was even better...."He looked right at the doctor and he said, with alarm in his voice, "You know I don't mean just a peck!...I mean, I've had my tongue in her mouth!"

At that point I almost blacked out...I have never been more mortified in my entire life. When I could focus again, I looked right at my husband and I mouthed silently to him these words.."I want you out of here now." As you might have guessed he remained in the room acting as if he had no idea what I had tried to convey to him.

I could not get my throat culture done, or my antibiotic prescription in my hand fast enough. As we were leaving he looked at the doctor and said so you want us to come back in 10 days if this medicine doesn't take care of it. Right? I remained silent, the doctor said yes, and the visit was over.

When we were finally in the truck with the doors closed, I looked at him, and said with the utmost sincerity..."I now know for sure that you are delusional." He then asked me what I meant. I, in turn, had a question. I said did you not hear yourself say the word "us" in reference to a return visit to the doctor?

He responded with a yes, and I said then let me give you some clarification on the matter...

If you think for one minute I would go back into a doctors office with you at my side, you are beyond insane. You are, in fact, so certifiable that you should actually walk around with papers in your hand stating that fact..

I mean I love this man y'all, but I have decided that he really should come with some sort of a warning label....It could read something like:

Warning: Prone to blurting out uncensored thoughts that are at times inappropriate, and performs random dance moves and stunts,both privately and in public, while wearing one of a kind outfit creations....